The Edge

 (Trigger Warnings are important to me, please do not read if you do not want to read about the following: loss of a loved one and suicidal ideation)

The Edge

I remember seeing the Facebook post and my heart immediately sinking down into my feet. It was the feeling your stomach makes when you plunge down a rollercoaster, heartbreak. I quietly left the house and said my goodbyes. I was so stunned and full of emptiness, I couldn’t even cry. I just got into my car and drove.

I wasn’t sure where I was going, anywhere, just away. I ended up at an outlook over a nearby lake. It was early morning, and the mist was lingering through the tops of the trees. I got out of my car and walked down the pathway, I got to the bottom of the outlook and stood at the fence line. Below the trees the lake water remained eerily silent as the fog danced around without sunlight. The tears began streaming as I stood closer to the fence and the edge of the outlook. How could this be happening to me? I had already lost so much, I thought. I thought of my brother and my grandfather. The tears came as I began peering over the edge of the outlook. What would it be like I thought, to not be here anymore? What would it feel like to fall through the trees? No one was around for miles, how long would it take for my car to be found above the outlook? I felt only pain as I stood there, tears streaming down my face and my heart and soul full of nothing but sorrow and emptiness. I had never felt this kind of darkness before. I had waited so long to find love, ached and yearned and plead with God, but it had eluded me. Why God? Why did you take my grandfather? Why did you take my brother? Why are you taking away my love?

The fog began to lift, the birds began to sing, releasing the songs in their breasts. I stopped looking over the edge, I slowed my breathing, I thought of my family, and all that they had already lost. I knew very deep down that I could not, and would not become another casualty. I turned around and walked back up the path, got into my car, and drove away as the sun began to shine brightly over the world.

XANH